Every now and then I like to go back and look through documents I wrote years ago. (Like, 3-5 years.) I usually stumble across a number of ‘gems’ I don’t remember ever writing. While I usually don’t feel it’s my best work, I sometimes find it entertaining, and feel like sharing it with the world.
So here’s something I came up with in 2007, most likely inspired by Dilbert, though probably not as funny.
Also, I think this is meant to be a cartoon, but since I can’t draw, you’ll have to imagine it. If you can draw, and wanted to draw this, feel free. I’d love to see what you could do with it.
Sales Rep: Sir, your company NEEDS a server like this, it is packed with amazing technology. First off, it has plenty of bandwidth so you can connect all your computers to it, and it won’t slow down. It’s got 18 cubic feet of storage space, so you will never run out of room. Plus it has some great custom features as well.
Since most viruses spread through email attachments, we’ve disabled attachments completely, and since most people receive 400 spam messages a day, we also simply blocked the sending and receiving of messages.
But that’s not the best part! Lots of websites have annoying pop-up windows, so the server is set to block those too.
And since some viruses can be downloaded, it also disables downloading of files. Also, bad websites could be a problem, so it disables the downloading of any page.
To prevent hackers, it won’t let anyone log on, change, save or add files, and it reboots every 42 and a half seconds to prevent crashes and data loss.
Boss: How Much Does it cost?
Sales Rep: That’s a good question. I usually sell them for $370,000… but I’ll tell you what. I’ll give it to you for $250,000.
Boss: I’ll Take it!
Main Character: Let me get this straight. You bought a cardboard box with the word Server written on it in crayon, for $250,000?
Boss: It was a good deal, I saved $120,000.
Main Character: You could have picked one up of the side of the street for free!
Boss: Look, he even threw in the cables!
Main Character: I can’t believe my boss bought a cardboard box for $250,000… How on earth did he become head of a company?
Worker 1: Yeah… Had I known he was that gullible, I would have tried that years ago.
Hobo: Hey, that’s my house!
Main Character: What? No, that’s our new server…
Hobo: Server? What is a server?
Main Character: I mean it’s not our server…
Hobo: No, it’s not. It’s my house. I’ve been living in that cardboard box for 3 years, until some one stole it yesterday.
Main Character: Hmm.. tell you what, why don’t you just take it back, and we’ll call the whole thing even.
Boss: Main Character, I have bad news for you…
Main Character: Let me guess, the server is missing?
Boss: No… is it?
Main Character: Um… no… why do you ask?
Boss: No reason… anyway, I just came to tell you you’re fired.
Main Character: What?!?!
Boss: We’re having some financial difficulties… See this server cost more than I anticipated…
Main Character: No.. no.. You are NOT firing me over this stupid cardboard box!
Boss: …and I had to buy some upgrades and stuff…
Main Character: Are you even listening to me?
Boss: And with this new financial advisor I hired, I can’t keep you around…
Main Character: IT’S A %^*& CARDBOARD BOX!!!!
Boss: Besides, you are the most experienced employee I have…
Main Character: Which would make me the least logical person to fire…
Boss: Which means that you have the highest pay, you’re the most logical choice.
Main Character: I can’t believe my boss fired me over a stupid cardboard box. I can’t imagine who would even try to sell a cardboard box as a server, let alone succeed in doing so.
Sales Rep: Can I interest you in a Toaster? It may look like a grocery bag…