Here’s a recent email exchange for earlier this year:

From: Isabel Henry
To: Philip
Sent: Monday, January 23
Subject: Enquiry regarding Apatheticthursday.net

Hi Philip,

I work for More Digital; a UK based Digital Marketing Consultancy.

We represent clients interested in social media marketing on smaller sites with little or no existing advertising and we’re currently looking for advertising partners.

We pay a fixed upfront annual fee which we will agree on with you. Once the ad is in place, payment is made within approximately 48 hours.

Would you be interested in placing a small text-based ad on Apatheticthursday.net?

Kind regards,
Isabel Henry

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This e-mail message is strictly confidential. It is intended solely for the person or organisation to whom it is addressed and contains confidential or privileged information. If you have received it in error, please notify info@moredigital.com immediately and destroy this e-mail and any attachments. You must not disclose, copy, distribute or take any action in reliance on this e-mail or any attachments. Views or opinions presented in this e-mail are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of More Digital.

More Digital does not accept liability for any data corruption, interception, unauthorised amendment, viruses and delays or the consequences thereof relating to this or any other email. Any e-mail or attachment is opened at your own risk.

To help protect you, this email (ID-4146486490) was scanned for viruses by Norton AntiVirus.

From: Philip
To: Isabel Henry
Sent: Tuesday, January 24
Subject: Re: Enquiry regarding Apatheticthursday.net

Hi Isabel,

First off I would like to thank you for your interest in my website. I hope you have enjoyed a number of the amazing articles I have written, as I know many of my visitors do. I do hope you will continue to visit my site and read my informative and entertaining articles.

As for placing a small text-based ad on Apatheticthursday.net, I would be extremely interested.

As you may expect, advertising space on my blog is very limited and extremely sought after. As a result my rates are relatively high, though I have no doubt that they payoff is entirely worth the investment.

Due to this large demand, I have developed a system of rules to which all advertisements must be willing to conform.

First is that the ad will be placed in a small box underneath the first post of the site. It will be labeled as an ad, though it will nicely fit into the format of the site. My posts vary in length, but usually the ad will be seen without needing to scroll down. Unless of course I get a little long winded, but since most of my visitors actually read all the way to the end the ad will most certainly be seen by all.

Ads on the post pages may appear between the post and the comments, again formatted by me to match the style of the site. I once went to a site where the ads were not formatted well and I felt like I was getting paper cuts in my eyeballs. At least, that’s what I assume getting paper cuts to the eyeballs would feel like, though I have been too cowardly to actually attempt such a feat, even if it was for a good cause. Such a science.

The going rate for small text-based ads Apatheticthursday.net is $5000 (USD) per month. This may seem a bit steep, but I assure you it is the result of a thoroughly undocumented bidding war which may or may not have ended in the bankruptcy of my friends small startup company. I have been unable to confirm this, though, since he is no longer talking to me. He also didn’t invite me to his birthday party, even though I know he had one.

To insure the proper motivation and placement of the ad, I require half the first month’s payment in advance of making any changes to my site as a gesture of ‘good faith’. After which point the payment may be made at the end of each month, or you may pay up front for a set length of time. (I do believe you mentioned a fixed up front annual fee). All payments are accepted via paypal.

Legally, my lawyer claims I need to tell you that the placed ad is subject to my approval or disapproval. I am not willing to host ads for products or services I do not want to advertise or things I do not believe in. I once was asked to place an ad for Unicorn Meat in a can. I declined, telling them that no one would buy meat in a can, and the pure notion that meat could be placed in a small cylinder of metal was completely fanciful.

Also, should the placed ad do any harm to my page rank or my placement within Google searches, the ad must go. I am able to refund up to 75% of the fee, prorated depending on when I see a significant drop in viewer or readership. While the last thing I want is for people to stop visiting my website, I also don’t feel right in charging you for your ad to not be seen on my website when no one is visiting.

I am unable to provide you with any stats for my website during the ad placement period, though I assume you have all kinds of fancy gear to help you measure the wonderful waves of traffic that will be sent your way from the small text-based ad on Apatheticthursday.net.

I hope that answers all of your questions. I am very excited to start doing business with you. I have looked at your website, it is very nice to look at. I like the chalk board style font that you have used for the animated header image. Maybe someday you can make me an animated header for my website. I am sure that we will be great partners in this new venture.

Can’t wait to hear back from you.

Kind regards
Philip

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This e-mail message is strictly nonconfidential. It is intended not only for the person or organization to whom it is addressed, but also for anyone with enough literary skill to comprehend it. and contains confidential or privileged information. If you have received it in error, it is a funny mistake and you may share or discard as you like. You must disclose, copy, distribute, or take any action that in some way promotes apatheticthursday.net to your friends, family, or online followers. Views or opinions presented in this e-mail may or may not represent the views of either the author or the reader.

Apathetic Thursday does not accept liability for any data corruption, interception, unauthorized amendment, viruses, or spelling mistakes in your legal footer relating to this or any other email you may or may not ever receive. Opening and reading of this email is to be done at your own risk.

I have done nothing in my power to protect you, (since it is at your own risk) and as this is a text email and cannot possibly contain anything for Norton AntiVirus to find or scan, even if I owned a copy and used it to scan this email.

From: Isabel Henry
To: Philip
Sent: Friday, March 9
Subject: Re: Enquiry regarding Apatheticthursday.net

Hi Philip,

I am writing to follow up on my email dated 25/01/2012 (copy below).

As I have not yet had received a reply, I wanted to check you received it.

Are you still interested in this opportunity? If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me and I will be happy to answer them.

Best regards,
Isabel

———-

Hi Philip,

It’s great to hear from you today!

Basically, we wish you to create a new post or article on your blog to accommodate our client’s link.

We will provide you with the URL, and you can link to it in any manner you see fit. You can write the page in review format or simply write about the usual topics on Apatheticthursday.net.

The advert will be for our online gaming client and the rate we can offer you is 130USD per annum. We aim to complete payment via secure payment partners Paypal or Moneybookers within 1 to 2 days of the advert going live on your site.

Also, you may read our terms and conditions: moredigital.com/terms.pdf.

If you are interested, please let me know. We’ll then send over the client’s URL (subject to your approval) so you can proceed with the draft of the advert.

Let me know if you have any questions. I look forward to hearing from you again soon!

Best regards,
Isabel

–
To find out more about our company, and the work of our team, please visit moredigital.com/blog

———-

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This e-mail message is strictly confidential. It is intended solely for the person or organisation to whom it is addressed and contains confidential or privileged information. If you have received it in error, please notify info@moredigital.com immediately and destroy this e-mail and any attachments. You must not disclose, copy, distribute or take any action in reliance on this e-mail or any attachments. Views or opinions presented in this e-mail are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of More Digital.

More Digital does not accept liability for any data corruption, interception, unauthorised amendment, viruses and delays or the consequences thereof relating to this or any other email. Any e-mail or attachment is opened at your own risk.

To help protect you, this email (ID-4146486490) was scanned for viruses by Norton AntiVirus.

From: Philip
To: Isabel Henry
Sent: Friday, March 9
Subject: Re: Enquiry regarding Apatheticthursday.net

Dear Isabel,

I thank you for again contacting me. I had not received the previous email and I am very glad you decided to follow up to make sure I got it. I would not want to miss out on such a valuable opportunity simply because an email filter got a little zealous one day. I have now added you to my address book so I will not miss any more of your communications.

The prospect of making some cash off of my site is extremely gratifying, since I have done nothing but sink good money into since the day I got it. The $130 per month is a bit less than I had hoped for, but I think I can make it work. In a short six months I might even be able to save up to buy one of those new iPads I hear everyone talking about.

I have been thinking about the best way to link to the site you describe, and I think a good blog post might be the best way to do it. I play a lot of video games online, I especially like all the flash games where you have to launch cute animals through the air and try to get them as far as you can. Maybe I could do a review of one of those games and put a link to it at the end of the article!

I took your advice and looked at your terms and conditions of service. I found most of it hard to read, and follow the pretty color thing at the top of the page, there were far too few pictures to hold my attention.

I did, however, have a question about number five on the list. If I post the advertisement in a blog post, the next time I post something the ad will move down the page, slowly getting lower and lower until the user has to scroll for ages to find it. Will I be required to email you every time I post a new blog post so that you can be notified to it’s change in placement?

Also, my blog changes colors every month. Should I be prepared to notify you about each of these changes as well?

I think these are my only two concerns at this time, though as soon as I dig my dictionary out of the large box of books in the basement and decipher the rest of the document I might have one or two more.

Your email has energized me, and despite it being well past my bedtime, I think I will not be able to sleep until I have played a few more flash games tonight.

Thank you again for your time and patience with me not getting back to you.

I hope to hear from you soon!

Best regards,

-Philip

From: Isabel Henry
Date: Monday, March 12
To: Philip
Subject: Re: Enquiry regarding Apatheticthursday.net

Hi,

Sorry! On this occasion, we could not match your site with a current client. However, we are continuously bringing new clients on board and I expect to have a good match for you in the near future.

With your permission, I’ll keep your site on our list and will get back to you if I find a suitable advertiser.

In the meantime, if you or anyone you know manages other sites that we might consider then please feel free to forward them to me.

Best regards,
Isabel
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This e-mail message is strictly confidential. It is intended solely for the person or organisation to whom it is addressed and contains confidential or privileged information. If you have received it in error, please notify info@moredigital.com immediately and destroy this e-mail and any attachments. You must not disclose, copy, distribute or take any action in reliance on this e-mail or any attachments. Views or opinions presented in this e-mail are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of More Digital.

More Digital does not accept liability for any data corruption, interception, unauthorised amendment, viruses and delays or the consequences thereof relating to this or any other email. Any e-mail or attachment is opened at your own risk.

To help protect you, this email (ID-4146486490) was scanned for viruses by Norton AntiVirus.

I received this spam message today. It somehow made it through the Yahoo Spam filter. (Yahoo’s not quite up to Gmail standards yet.) Here is my line by line commentary of the letter. (I noted a few of the gramatical errors, but didn’t feel like marking up the entire document, so most are left untouched.)

To: MrBobDobolina
From: FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (admin@hzhky.com)

Yup, definitely from the FBI.

Subject: Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)!!!

Little known fact, the FBI is a heavy backer of exclamation marks.

Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
J.Edgar.Hoover Building Washington Dc
Customers Service Hours / Monday To Saturday
Office Hours Monday to Saturday:

I’m glad the FBI has such open office hours. It makes me happy to know they are working so hard, except on Sundays. I assume the baddies take Sundays off too.

Dear Beneficiary,

Because the FBI has no idea what my actual name is.

Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago.

Yes, I remember hearing about that in the news.

It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $850,000.00…

Oh it is glaringly obvious.

…due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.

Can anyone say ‘run-on sentence’? Also, I’m glad the Government Officials only had one selfish reason.

The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current president of Nigeria his Excellency President Good luck[sic] Jonathan

Why can’t our leaders have names like Goodluck Johnathan? I would totally vote for him.

to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owed to you and other individuals and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract Sum, Lottery/Gambling, Inheritance and the likes.

Now suddenly we are talking about Contract payments, Gambling, and Inheritance? What happened to the corrupt politicians who were forced into compliance three days ago?

Now how would you like to receive your payment? Because we have two method of payment which is by Check or by ATM card?

Gold bricks.

ATM Card: We will be issuing you a custom pin based ATM card which you will use to withdraw up to $3,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it and the card have to be renewed in 4 years time which is 2014.

Current date: Dec. 3, 2011. Clearly this letter is a year old, I hope the offer still stands. Why couldn’t they have told me about this sooner!?!??!

Also with the ATM card you will be able to transfer your funds to your local bank account. The ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Even if you do not have a bank account.

Oh good. Because I don’t have a bank account and I have never learned how to use an ATM.

Check: To be deposited in your bank for it to be cleared within three working days. Your payment would be sent to you via any of your preferred option[sic] and would be mailed to you via UPS.

Say what?

Because we have signed a contract with UPS which should expire in next three weeks you will only need to pay $135 instead of $420 saving you $285

Wait, three weeks from now or three weeks from then?

So if you pay before the three weeks 2011 you save $285

2011 is only three weeks?!?!?! I’m confused. Also, can anyone say “punctuation”?

Take note that anyone asking you for some kind of money above the usual fee is definitely a fraudsters

Those dirty fraudsters. Asking for money above the usual fee…

and you will have to stop communication with every other person if you have been in contact with any.

I’ve been in contact with my mother, does that count?

Also remember that all you will ever have to spend is $135.00 nothing more! Nothing less! And we guarantee the receipt of your fund to be successfully delivered to you within the next 24hrs after the receipt of payment has been confirmed.

Note: Everything has been taken care of by the Federal Government of Nigeria, The United Nation[sic] and also the FBI and including taxes, custom paper and clearance duty so all you will ever need to pay is $135.

There is only one United Nation!

DO NOT SEND MONEY TO ANYONE UNTIL YOU READ THIS:

Ooops.

The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is $420

WHAT!?!? Are you a fraudster?

but because UPS have temporarily discontinued the C.O.D which gives you the chance to pay when package is delivered for international shipping We had to sign contract with them for bulk shipping which makes the fees reduce from the actual fee of $420 to $135 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort!

Oh, whew! You had me scared for a second.

To effect the release of your fund valued at $850,000.00 you are advised to contact our correspondent in Africa the delivery officer Scott Mandy Will with the information below,

Punctuation. Capitalization. The word “help”.

Email: scott.mandy@yahoo.cn
You are advised to contact him with the informations as stated below:

1) Your full Name:
2) Home/Cell Phone:
3) Occupation:
4) Age:
5) Sex:
Preferred Payment Method (ATM / Cashier Check)

So in order for me to get my money, I first need to give a bunch of extraneous information to someone in Africa. Okay, that makes sense. I like how I don’t have to give an address. Just a name and phone number.

Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 24 working hours.

Working hours. Africa time or my time? Because I’m pretty sure I’m working at all hours. Just like the FBI

Because we are so sure of everything we are giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 24hrs after you have made the payment for shipping.

Yours sincerely,
Miss Donna Story
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535

Note: Do disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of your ATM CARD,

Like you? Oh, don’t worry. I will.

you are hereby advice[sic] only to be in contact with John Will

Wait, who is John Will?

of the ATM CARD CENTRE

Oh hey! We are British now!

who is the rightful person to deal with in regards to your ATM CARD PAYMENT and forward any emails you get from impostors to this office so we could act upon and commence investigation.

Which office? What address? Because I think I have an email from an impostor.

I honestly don’t know how any English speaking person could fall for this. Is the target audience foreigners?