Category Archives: Technology

IT Guy Noir 2

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Wednesdays are the worst days of the week, partly because of the their location, sandwiched between a mess of three days on either side, but mostly because they contain afternoons, and nothing is quite as bad as a Wednesday afternoon.

This particular day was no exception. The afternoon dragged on like a six hour board meeting and promised to be less exciting than C-Span when congress was out of session.

For the third time in as many minutes I turned to my black and white computer screen and clicked the check messages button. For the third time I found myself disappointed.

I stood up and grabbed my coat. I needed some fresh air, and if no one else was in the building I didn’t see how one more person would be missed.

Bright sunlight met me as I stepped outside. When you live in a windowless world you forget about things like the time of day, the sun, the clouds and even the sky. It was hard to imagine that such a warm and carefree realm existed so close to the cold confines of office life which so easily can consume ones entire spirit.

Outdoors the world was bustling with activity. Students played cheerfully at frisbee, while the more studious of the group sat on blankets and read heavy textbooks. The students where laughing happily, enjoying the camaraderie of other people their own age, a current luxury that many of them would no longer have access too once they moved out into the harsh cruel world of real life. It was always easy to forget about such things in the safe and closed environment of the campus.

I’m not bitter, it’s just Wednesday.

I turned toward the cafeteria. As much as I typically despise the loud and boisterous crowd which makes up most of the general public, anything was currently preferable to the desolate hallways and classrooms which surrounded me only a few minutes ago.

The cafe’s entrance was a double door into large room. The ambiance was far too bright and cheerful to be one of my local hangouts, but when you needed a cheap meal this was the place to go.

To my right the cashier reclined in her seat, knees bent with feet resting on the counter top. Her blond hair fell well past her shoulders and the look on her face was an even mix of annoyance and boredom. Nail polish in one hand she examined her paint job. As I entered, she looked up, clearly unhappy that she would now have to perform some “work.”

“Two-fifty.” She said blandly, smacking her gum a few times annoyingly.

I dropped a few bills on the counter and walked away, she never even moved to make change. Didn’t matter, I didn’t need it.

Over the main entree line a crowd of people gaped at a small bat, which was perched on the ceiling. I headed straight to the fountain machine in search of some cold scotch. I was forced to settled for some Dr. Pepper… Wednesdays.

Screams erupted behind me as the bat took to flight. I perused the salad bar, wondering if anything on the menu that would satisfy my hunger. It didn’t look promising.

A few minutes later I had a plate of pizza and chips, a dietary staple for the IT variety. I found an empty table in the corner and sat down.

“Didn’t expect to see you here tonight.” Said a tall slender man as his quietly sat down across from me.

I was watching my plate closely, but I recognized the sound of Jim’s voice. Dressed in a brimmed hat and trench coat I honestly couldn’t tell you if the man owned any other clothing. He certainly had a reputation, but what he did to get it or how he managed to keep it was beyond me. I couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t seen slinking around campus and I would be hard pressed to tell you if he was staff or student.

“A man might do many things to escape a life of monotony,” I replied glancing up briefly.

“Oh, if boredom is the problem, I might have a cure.” He said in his cool and sly manner.

Jim had a knack for knowing the details from the underbelly of the school, not that we had much of one. (An underbelly that is.) Yet somehow, he commanded respect from all the cliques, groups and organizations. He was a good man to have on your side if you liked being in the know.

“You have my attention.” I said, finishing the last bite of pizza.

“I heard a rumor that a certain printer isn’t behaving properly. Not willing to talk. Caused a bit of a stirrup, until someone threw it out of a window.” He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes, gauging my reaction. I wasn’t surprised. “Yes, I don’t think there is much you could do for that, but in the same lab someone was receiving virus popups this afternoon, and now it won’t boot.”

That intrigued me more. Though I was skeptical that anything could get through our massive firewall system and security, one can never fully discount sneaker-net.

“Well, I have to go. There’s a secret meeting that may or may not actually be welcome at in 15 minutes. I must prepare.” And with that Jim slipped away and disappeared into a crowd of kids who were just leaving the dining hall.

I finished my chips and drink and left the café. I made my way to the third floor computer lab, the one which was now famous for the flying printers, much to the dismay of most of the administration. I found the computer is question, and attempted to boot it. When nothing happened, I considered my options for repair, and decided to take the unit with me.

I got down under the desk to disconnect the tower from the cables, and noticed a stray unplugged power cord. Mental face-palm. I plugged the machine back in and watched it boot. Thanks to MS Steady State, the machine would be virus free by the time it finished boot, if it ever had one to begin with.

As the computer reached the login-screen, I turned and headed back to my office. The rest of my Wednesday awaited me.

In a small dark office in the back of a well lit building on the unfashionable end of a brand new college campus, located on the remains of a non-existent and ancient civilization there is a man trying to find the answers to life’s persistent technology. – IT Guy Noir

Now you’re thinking with iPads

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Mobile technology is changing everything and even the tech savvy sometimes need to take a moment to rethink how they do things.

I was recently asked to make a slideshow of photos for my Grandpa’s funeral. I approached the task as I always would have, yet was still determined to try to use new technology.

I added the photos to iPhoto (I had a family member scan them for me.) I then made an iPhoto slideshow with a bunch of music from iTunes and exported it as a movie file. I put the movie on my iPad and decided I would just play the video off my iPad onto a large screen TV via HDMI.

When it came time for the visitation I realized that the iPad could not loop my video without a 3rd party app and those apps could not access my movies that are in the Video app. Being 700 miles from home, I had no choice but to manually go to the iPad and press play every 15 minutes.

Yet, if I were to do this again, I would now take a whole new approach, something I would consider more modern.

What I should have done was load the music and the photos onto my iPad via iTunes and told the iPad to create a slideshow and repeat. This would have made a much better solution. First off, it could loop forever and I wouldn’t have to worry about it. Secondly, I could have chosen a larger selection of music. There were a number of songs I wanted to add to the playlist, but the slideshow wasn’t long enough to accommodate all of the music.

Now that I know, I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner. But I was thinking with desktops and iMacs. Sometimes, you just have to think with iPads.

Driving, Leveling, Real Life and MORE

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Throughout my life, there are times when I really wish I could know what level I am at. I’ve been wearing the same hat for close to 8 years. Before that I wore different hats all the time. Am I a level 10 hat wearer? Maybe. I don’t know. How can you track these things? What level IT guy am I? What’s my geek level?

I have a brand new 2011 Ford Fiesta and have just passed the 6000 mile mark. As I watched my odometer slowly rise, I realized that in this one area of life, there is a finite and state saving counter. It just slowly works it’s way upwards, to no particular end… just like EXPERIENCE POINTS!

Experience points determine your level, but what system of leveling does one use for driving a car?

Turns out, World of Warcraft has an excellent leveling system which converts rather conveniently to car milage. (At least, up until level 60, then it gets a bit questionable, but is still usable until level 70, where we reach a million miles however, it is rather rare to get to 300,000 miles on a vehicle, so it starts becoming rather irrelevant.)

Here is a chart of levels and experience as found at www.wowwiki.com

Now, it is fair to say that the level of your car does not represent your level of driving skill. Like a character in Warcraft, the car will level independently of it’s driver. You are basically leveling up your car like an item.

My car is new (like starting a new character…) so I’m sure all of you have much higher level cars than myself. What level are you currently at? What do you wish you could level up at in real life?

Super Smash Bros Melee – Maximum Points in Adventure Mode

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I’ve always enjoyed playing video games but very rarely have I taken it upon myself to go hunting for glitches or cheats. Usually I head to gamefaqs.com when I need help or am looking for cheats, but there is one cheat that I found, which I have never seen on gamefaqs, which I have never heard anyone talk about, which I discovered, completely on my own, and quite by accident.

Now, it may be that no one really cares, I honestly don’t blame you if you don’t. By now it’s been about 10 years since I discovered this glitch and if no one cared when the game came out, no one really cares now.

The game is Super Smash Bros Melee, and the cheat was getting the maximum amount of points on Adventure mode with single player.

The procedure is rather simple and outlined in the YouTube video embedded below.

On the first level you must do everything in your power to get a negative score. This includes dying once or twice, using a single attack for most of it, and a huge amount of shield breaks. Usually I would race through the level and sit at the end and shield break for a few minutes, then end the level, making sure I don’t end on any of the special point inducing times.

At the end of the level the point counter starts at 0 and begins racing up until it reaches your total points for the level. if you’ve done things correctly, your score is negative, so the counter will never reach your score and will continue until it reaches 999999999. (You can press A to skip the count up and it will still give you the maximum points.)

Now all you have to do is finish the rest of the adventure!

Video Distribution as Restaurants

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I had this idea the other day. It’s not a perfect analogy, but I don’t think there is such a thing. If you have any suggestions for improvements or additions, leave them in the comments.

Broadcast cable or dish:
For a hefty monthly fee you have full access to all food currently being served. You can eat as much or as little as you like, but some dishes will be served at specific times so don’t be late. You meal will be interrupted every 7 or so minutes by a salesman who has paid for the pleasure to talk to you. His short pitches are potential entertaining, but repetitive. You have a few options for how much food you would like access to, but all your meals must be eaten at home.

Netflix:
For a moderate fee you have access to a large buffet of food and you may eat as much or little as you like. If you put down a meal you can pick it up at a later date without much trouble. You may choose any dish they offer to eat at any time. Certain menu items can only be delivered as take out and for a small fee will be delivered to your door within one or two business days. You may eat the meals anywhere you have access to the service.

RedBox:
Stop buy for a quick and cheap meal whenever you like. Menu is limited, but the prices are low. Meals must be eaten within 24 hours or a second fee will be charged.

Hulu:
Stop buy and get a free meal anytime you like. Menu selection is limited and you must have appropriate access to eat. Your meal will be interrupted several times by salesman who have paid to talk with you, many of whom represent global charities showing you dying children and asking for money. For a moderate fee, you can gain access to a larger menu, including popular dishes that chefs made over past weeks, but your meal will still be interrupted by salesman. You are allowed to eat most meals anywhere you have access, but not all meals are available on all platforms. There is, however, a large selection of appetizers, which are usually followed or preceded by sale pitches. Occasionally when ordering a meal you will be directed to a different restaurant where the meal is originally from and told you may order it there.

Spring Cleaning

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With a new iMac on my desk, I figured it was time to do a bit of spring cleaning on my setup.

I realized I had several power cords, speaker cords, and ethernet cords that were not even connected to anything.

New Server!

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If you are reading this, that means the my site was successfully transfered over to a new server. I’ve finally taken the step away from shared hosting and moved into the “big boy realm” of the web. My good friend Bob Martens has offered to share his server with me, which is great. He worries about the techy-server command line stuff that I don’t feel like messing with and I grumble about how easier things were back on Lycos and Tripod… JUST KIDDING! I haven’t used them in years… Are they even around still?

Anyway, the move is so far successful, minus a few WordPress plugins that didn’t seem happy with their new home. They were quickly replaced and things are looking good. If you notice any glitches over the next few weeks, drop me a line. I’ll be tweaking things while I adjust to my new surroundings.

IT Guy Noir

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It was a cold and dreary Friday. I was sitting in my office, counting down the minutes until I could close up shop for the weekend. Twitter was slow, and my coworkers had already left for home. The place was quiet, like a college campus on eve of a week long break. A fitting description, since thats where I was. A college campus on the eve of a week long break. The students had left, the professors had gone home, the administration took the afternoon off. It was just me and the clock, having a staring match, and the clock was winning.

That’s when she showed up. She burst through the door with a look of panic on her face. That’s usually how people look when they come to my door. No one ever stops by when something goes right. My job is to fix problems and when people have problems, they come to me.

The young woman quickly sat down in the chair opposite my desk, hidden entirely behind the large dysfunctional iMac which was currently occupying more room than it was willing to pay for. I pushed it to the side so I could clearly see my visitor.

She was dressed plainly, ready for break. She was tall and slender, with hair that ran down her back in perfectly straight lines. Her expression was one that didn’t belong on a face meant to be so beautiful or perfect. It was that of despair mixed with terror. Fallen on tough times, and right before a week of vacation too. I felt sorry for her, despite the fact that I she’d probably spend the next seven days in some exotic location while I sat in my office waiting for disaster to strike.

Nervously she glanced at my empty M&M jar. The students had been hard on the chocolate this week. The last handful had been snagged a few days ago.

I waited patiently for my visitor to speak. She had rushed in and sat down without a word, I wasn’t about to interrupt the silence for an unnecessary greeting.

“I heard…” she started softly, “I heard you might be able to help me.”

“I’ve been known to fix a few problems.” I replied cautiously.

“It’s my laptop,” she blurted. “I think… I think… it’s dead…”

She quickly wiped tears from her eyes with a kleenex.

“I can take a look at it,” I said slowly.

A good case was what I needed right now. Something to occupy the time between now and when I could go home and relax, forgetting the trouble of the day in a movie or a game.

From her backpack she produced the laptop. I carefully set it on the desk. It looked as though it had been through a few skirmishes. The lid was scratched and half peeled stickers indicated it had seen some use. I cautiously opened the lid to discover a keyboard that was missing a few keys and screen that contained a large scratch. The remains of a coffee cup stain lingered to the right of the trackpad.

I glanced up at the young woman. She knew how to take car of herself, pretty face, well combed hair, matching outfit. She apparently knew nothing about computers. Or perhaps, she didn’t care.

Observing the damage, I pressed the power button. The fans powered up and the hard drive whirred. The girls face turned from sorrow to timid expectancy to surprise when the Windows chime filled the room.

“It works!” She exclaimed. “It works! Thank you so much! You’re my hero!”

I nodded silently.

She pulled the computer off the desk and began to quickly click and type. Within a minute she was completely engrossed in her technology.

I glanced at the clock, 4:58. It was time to go. I slowly stood up and grabbed my jacket. The clatter of keys providing the background to my existence. Throwing my jacket over my shoulder I left the room, the building, the school. It was the weekend.

In a small office in the back of a well lit building on the unfashionable end of a brand new campus located on the remains of a non-existent and ancient civilization there is a man trying to find the answers to life’s persistent technology. – IT Guy Noir

5 news headlines after the invention of portal technology

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I’ve written before about my official stance on Portal Technology. But after playing through Portal 2 I had some ideas for five news headlines I would expect to see if such technology ever became widely available.

Practical joke leaves woman drowned in bed.
Jane Doe was found drowned in her bed this morning, after a neighbor saw water leaking under her apartment door. The water came from the apartment complexes swimming pool. The water was transported to the bedroom by two prankster teenagers who shot one portal through an open window of apartment and another in the bottom of the swimming pool. The teenagers were unaware that the room was occupied by the sleeping 72 year old, who woke suddenly to a torrent of water falling from her ceiling directly on her…

Car-jumping.
College students have developed a new way to get their trills and possibly die trying. car-jumping is the name of a new fad where students shoot a portal onto the top of a passing car and then jump off a second story balcony into another portal, propelling them up into the air above the moving car. The student then must shoot another portal on the street to avoid a hard landing and other traffic…

Sky diving forever.
People who love skydiving now have an easier way to fall through the air. With the invention of the dual portal device, soon to be sky divers can shoot one portal on the ground and a second one at a floating hot air balloon. After jumping through the portal the diver can shoot another portal at the ground and continue the fall for as long as they like…

Jumper misses portal, hits pavement instead.
Stunt devil John Doe attempted a jump off a 30 story building into a portal in an attempt to launch himself through multiple rings of fire for his latest publicity stunt. Opting to not carry a portal gun with him, hitting his target was vital. Unfortunately, the wind was enough to push him slightly off course, just enough to miss his portal and hit the pavement…

School provides portal devices to all incoming freshman.
Blurp University, the first to give iPads to all incoming students, is now raising the bar by giving all incoming freshman portal devices. “We think this is a great opportunity for all the young men and women,” said Dean Molf. “Our students all intelligent and creative, we want them to have the tools they need to succeed. I mean, seriously, what could possibly go wrong?”

What stories would you expect to see?

Teleporters, wormholes and portals

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I am a firm believer that we will never invent or discover wormhole, teleporter, or portal technology. That said, I do like to think about the possible consequences of such technology.

Star Trek explored a very simple example of how transporter technology could revolutionize travel.

In Pandora’s Star and Judas Unchained, Peter F Hamilton explored the use of wormholes for massive transportation over long distances. He also described the perfect bank heist using the technology.

But if we really had this capability, what would we do with it?

Shelve Stocking
Must to the joy and dismay of store workers everywhere, their jobs would easily become obsolete. The milk bottling plant could transport the milk containers directly into the fridge of the store who sells it. The store manager orders an item and it’s immediately transported from the warehouse to the shelf. Completely automatically.

Bottomless Pockets
You want to take your cell phone, iPod, iPad, wireless keyboard, wallet, keys, pocket knife, etc. along with you everywhere you go? All you need is a pocket with a portal built into the opening. The other end of the portal is placed in a box at home. Everything you might want can be placed in that box and grabbed at any time.

Car Wash
Arguably, we wouldn’t need cars in this utopian future, but let’s assume we still do. Rather than going through a car wash to clean your car, what if you just transported your car without all the mud on the outside or garbage on the inside? All the left over parts could be transported to a different location, or could simply disappear.

Shopping Carts
What if, when you put something in your shopping cart it would be automatically transported to your kitchen, or perhaps even fridge, if the device detected that it required cold storage. Such a device could easily stan for any sort of code on the object and bill your account accordingly.

Instant Shipping
Then again, why do we need to go to the store. If the stores get all their product from transporters, why not order it online and receive instant shipping? Amazon would jump all over this. Netflix would too. Any the pizza delivery place.

What would you use a teleporter/wormhole/portal for?