Aaron Evans found an old short “script” on my blog and turned it into a comic. Much thanks Aaron! This is awesome!
New Server – Redux
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Category Archives: Humor
Hunger Games Intro
I know I shouldn’t be recording in the theater, but I found the intro screens far too obscure to pass up:
Enquiry regarding Apatheticthursday.net
Here’s a recent email exchange for earlier this year:
From: Isabel Henry
To: Philip
Sent: Monday, January 23
Subject: Enquiry regarding Apatheticthursday.net
Hi Philip,
I work for More Digital; a UK based Digital Marketing Consultancy.
We represent clients interested in social media marketing on smaller sites with little or no existing advertising and we’re currently looking for advertising partners.
We pay a fixed upfront annual fee which we will agree on with you. Once the ad is in place, payment is made within approximately 48 hours.
Would you be interested in placing a small text-based ad on Apatheticthursday.net?
Kind regards,
Isabel Henry
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This e-mail message is strictly confidential. It is intended solely for the person or organisation to whom it is addressed and contains confidential or privileged information. If you have received it in error, please notify info@moredigital.com immediately and destroy this e-mail and any attachments. You must not disclose, copy, distribute or take any action in reliance on this e-mail or any attachments. Views or opinions presented in this e-mail are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of More Digital.
More Digital does not accept liability for any data corruption, interception, unauthorised amendment, viruses and delays or the consequences thereof relating to this or any other email. Any e-mail or attachment is opened at your own risk.
To help protect you, this email (ID-4146486490) was scanned for viruses by Norton AntiVirus.
From: Philip
To: Isabel Henry
Sent: Tuesday, January 24
Subject: Re: Enquiry regarding Apatheticthursday.net
Hi Isabel,
First off I would like to thank you for your interest in my website. I hope you have enjoyed a number of the amazing articles I have written, as I know many of my visitors do. I do hope you will continue to visit my site and read my informative and entertaining articles.
As for placing a small text-based ad on Apatheticthursday.net, I would be extremely interested.
As you may expect, advertising space on my blog is very limited and extremely sought after. As a result my rates are relatively high, though I have no doubt that they payoff is entirely worth the investment.
Due to this large demand, I have developed a system of rules to which all advertisements must be willing to conform.
First is that the ad will be placed in a small box underneath the first post of the site. It will be labeled as an ad, though it will nicely fit into the format of the site. My posts vary in length, but usually the ad will be seen without needing to scroll down. Unless of course I get a little long winded, but since most of my visitors actually read all the way to the end the ad will most certainly be seen by all.
Ads on the post pages may appear between the post and the comments, again formatted by me to match the style of the site. I once went to a site where the ads were not formatted well and I felt like I was getting paper cuts in my eyeballs. At least, that’s what I assume getting paper cuts to the eyeballs would feel like, though I have been too cowardly to actually attempt such a feat, even if it was for a good cause. Such a science.
The going rate for small text-based ads Apatheticthursday.net is $5000 (USD) per month. This may seem a bit steep, but I assure you it is the result of a thoroughly undocumented bidding war which may or may not have ended in the bankruptcy of my friends small startup company. I have been unable to confirm this, though, since he is no longer talking to me. He also didn’t invite me to his birthday party, even though I know he had one.
To insure the proper motivation and placement of the ad, I require half the first month’s payment in advance of making any changes to my site as a gesture of ‘good faith’. After which point the payment may be made at the end of each month, or you may pay up front for a set length of time. (I do believe you mentioned a fixed up front annual fee). All payments are accepted via paypal.
Legally, my lawyer claims I need to tell you that the placed ad is subject to my approval or disapproval. I am not willing to host ads for products or services I do not want to advertise or things I do not believe in. I once was asked to place an ad for Unicorn Meat in a can. I declined, telling them that no one would buy meat in a can, and the pure notion that meat could be placed in a small cylinder of metal was completely fanciful.
Also, should the placed ad do any harm to my page rank or my placement within Google searches, the ad must go. I am able to refund up to 75% of the fee, prorated depending on when I see a significant drop in viewer or readership. While the last thing I want is for people to stop visiting my website, I also don’t feel right in charging you for your ad to not be seen on my website when no one is visiting.
I am unable to provide you with any stats for my website during the ad placement period, though I assume you have all kinds of fancy gear to help you measure the wonderful waves of traffic that will be sent your way from the small text-based ad on Apatheticthursday.net.
I hope that answers all of your questions. I am very excited to start doing business with you. I have looked at your website, it is very nice to look at. I like the chalk board style font that you have used for the animated header image. Maybe someday you can make me an animated header for my website. I am sure that we will be great partners in this new venture.
Can’t wait to hear back from you.
Kind regards
Philip
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This e-mail message is strictly nonconfidential. It is intended not only for the person or organization to whom it is addressed, but also for anyone with enough literary skill to comprehend it. and contains confidential or privileged information. If you have received it in error, it is a funny mistake and you may share or discard as you like. You must disclose, copy, distribute, or take any action that in some way promotes apatheticthursday.net to your friends, family, or online followers. Views or opinions presented in this e-mail may or may not represent the views of either the author or the reader.
Apathetic Thursday does not accept liability for any data corruption, interception, unauthorized amendment, viruses, or spelling mistakes in your legal footer relating to this or any other email you may or may not ever receive. Opening and reading of this email is to be done at your own risk.
I have done nothing in my power to protect you, (since it is at your own risk) and as this is a text email and cannot possibly contain anything for Norton AntiVirus to find or scan, even if I owned a copy and used it to scan this email.
From: Isabel Henry
To: Philip
Sent: Friday, March 9
Subject: Re: Enquiry regarding Apatheticthursday.net
Hi Philip,
I am writing to follow up on my email dated 25/01/2012 (copy below).
As I have not yet had received a reply, I wanted to check you received it.
Are you still interested in this opportunity? If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me and I will be happy to answer them.
Best regards,
Isabel
———-
Hi Philip,
It’s great to hear from you today!
Basically, we wish you to create a new post or article on your blog to accommodate our client’s link.
We will provide you with the URL, and you can link to it in any manner you see fit. You can write the page in review format or simply write about the usual topics on Apatheticthursday.net.
The advert will be for our online gaming client and the rate we can offer you is 130USD per annum. We aim to complete payment via secure payment partners Paypal or Moneybookers within 1 to 2 days of the advert going live on your site.
Also, you may read our terms and conditions: moredigital.com/terms.pdf.
If you are interested, please let me know. We’ll then send over the client’s URL (subject to your approval) so you can proceed with the draft of the advert.
Let me know if you have any questions. I look forward to hearing from you again soon!
Best regards,
Isabel
–
To find out more about our company, and the work of our team, please visit moredigital.com/blog
———-
==================================================
This e-mail message is strictly confidential. It is intended solely for the person or organisation to whom it is addressed and contains confidential or privileged information. If you have received it in error, please notify info@moredigital.com immediately and destroy this e-mail and any attachments. You must not disclose, copy, distribute or take any action in reliance on this e-mail or any attachments. Views or opinions presented in this e-mail are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of More Digital.
More Digital does not accept liability for any data corruption, interception, unauthorised amendment, viruses and delays or the consequences thereof relating to this or any other email. Any e-mail or attachment is opened at your own risk.
To help protect you, this email (ID-4146486490) was scanned for viruses by Norton AntiVirus.
From: Philip
To: Isabel Henry
Sent: Friday, March 9
Subject: Re: Enquiry regarding Apatheticthursday.net
Dear Isabel,
I thank you for again contacting me. I had not received the previous email and I am very glad you decided to follow up to make sure I got it. I would not want to miss out on such a valuable opportunity simply because an email filter got a little zealous one day. I have now added you to my address book so I will not miss any more of your communications.
The prospect of making some cash off of my site is extremely gratifying, since I have done nothing but sink good money into since the day I got it. The $130 per month is a bit less than I had hoped for, but I think I can make it work. In a short six months I might even be able to save up to buy one of those new iPads I hear everyone talking about.
I have been thinking about the best way to link to the site you describe, and I think a good blog post might be the best way to do it. I play a lot of video games online, I especially like all the flash games where you have to launch cute animals through the air and try to get them as far as you can. Maybe I could do a review of one of those games and put a link to it at the end of the article!
I took your advice and looked at your terms and conditions of service. I found most of it hard to read, and follow the pretty color thing at the top of the page, there were far too few pictures to hold my attention.
I did, however, have a question about number five on the list. If I post the advertisement in a blog post, the next time I post something the ad will move down the page, slowly getting lower and lower until the user has to scroll for ages to find it. Will I be required to email you every time I post a new blog post so that you can be notified to it’s change in placement?
Also, my blog changes colors every month. Should I be prepared to notify you about each of these changes as well?
I think these are my only two concerns at this time, though as soon as I dig my dictionary out of the large box of books in the basement and decipher the rest of the document I might have one or two more.
Your email has energized me, and despite it being well past my bedtime, I think I will not be able to sleep until I have played a few more flash games tonight.
Thank you again for your time and patience with me not getting back to you.
I hope to hear from you soon!
Best regards,
-Philip
From: Isabel Henry
Date: Monday, March 12
To: Philip
Subject: Re: Enquiry regarding Apatheticthursday.net
Hi,
Sorry! On this occasion, we could not match your site with a current client. However, we are continuously bringing new clients on board and I expect to have a good match for you in the near future.
With your permission, I’ll keep your site on our list and will get back to you if I find a suitable advertiser.
In the meantime, if you or anyone you know manages other sites that we might consider then please feel free to forward them to me.
Best regards,
Isabel
==================================================
This e-mail message is strictly confidential. It is intended solely for the person or organisation to whom it is addressed and contains confidential or privileged information. If you have received it in error, please notify info@moredigital.com immediately and destroy this e-mail and any attachments. You must not disclose, copy, distribute or take any action in reliance on this e-mail or any attachments. Views or opinions presented in this e-mail are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of More Digital.
More Digital does not accept liability for any data corruption, interception, unauthorised amendment, viruses and delays or the consequences thereof relating to this or any other email. Any e-mail or attachment is opened at your own risk.
To help protect you, this email (ID-4146486490) was scanned for viruses by Norton AntiVirus.
Driving For Dummies (Probably You)
I have written on the topic of driving before, but I decided that rather simply complain about the inept rabble who fill the roadway I should perhaps offer some advice to the miscreants who occupy the streets.
The fundamentals of good driving can be broken down into three main concepts. In order of importance:
1. Give yourself room.
Particularly, in front of your car. This allows you to come to a complete halt without turning something into a twisted pile of broken something.
Those of us who actually know how to drive, refer to this as “stopping distance”. For those of you who frequent Highway 14, might e interested to know this distance is significantly larger than 0.
The average stopping distance is between 300 & 400 feet* and that’s provided you are traveling the speed limit, which I know your not, because my car is less than a year old and my speedometer is pretty darn accurate.
The average length of a parking space is ~20 feet. If you can’t park a car between the front of your car and the car you are following, you are too close. In fact, I would go so far to say that you should be able to park a semi truck in the space, provided of course you were both holding still and not navigating several thousand pounds of metal and plastic along a narrow path made out of crushed rocks and tar.
I know you are all very eager to pass me, but I think we would both sleep better at night if I knew I wouldn’t have to dig out of the smoking wreckage of my trunk when I have to come to a sudden stop.
2. Be prepared to react to anything.
This goes right along with giving yourself space. There are a lot of idiots on the road, goodness knows your probably one of them.
Driving is about reacting. Reacting to other drivers, reacting to weather, reacting to obstacles. Some people are too old to be driving. Some are too young. Some don’t use turn signals. Some are named Rodger. Any of these people could be quite dangerous.
It’s important to remember that while your video game play reflexes are faster than a schizophrenic cheetah on a maglev train after draining a pot and a half of dark brewed coffee, Rodger’s reflexes are not that good. And so Rodger needs to keep more space around him. You best keep your distance from him as well.
AND ANOTHER THING: When you do finally pass me, because I have a spare tire and can safely only travel at ~50mph, give me some space before veering back into my lane! There’s nothing more rage inducing than having your windshield peppered with rocks because some moron decided to pass you and cut you off at the same time. The minute I’m allowed to arm my vehicle with stinger missiles, this won’t be a problem any longer.
3. Think about your passengers.
I know most of your drive alone, which is good, since it would be an utter pain to scrape your traveling companions off the passenger at every single roadside stop.
When I’m your passenger, I want you to be thinking about two things: the road, and me. I want you to think about my comfort, mentally, physically, & emotionally.
I don’t want to be clinging to my seat in horror because you enjoy hitting the break at the last possible second. I don’t want to be in a constant state panic because we are a split second away from being in the back seat of the car in front of us. I don’t need to be thrown about like a sack of potatoes because you enjoy careening around corners because you saw them do it in a movie once.
So there you go. The three basics of driving.
* Yeah, I know. Stopping distance is actually fairly complicated, but here are some helpful webpages:
Math: http://www.csgnetwork.com/stopdistinfo.html
Infographic: http://www.roadwise.co.uk/uploads/userfiles/file/adult%20attachments/stopping%20distances.pdf
Bioshock Review
This game was the most fun I’ve had hunting down odd crashes in old abandoned forums in a long time. The numerous loading screens which accompany the startup are as memorable as the amazingly detailed graphics that one might be privileged to see if they can figure out how to get past the first elevator.
The game has remarkable replay value, as you will be required to replay several sections of many levels after a poorly timed crash causes you to return to your last save point.
The controls are a little clunky, especially in the heat of battle, but since most of the time you won’t have any ammo or eve, switching weapons or abilities really won’t be much of a problem. Fortunately, the only penalty for dying is losing everything that you used up during your last life, and there is nothing quite so fun as repeatedly jumping out of a vita chamber in an attempt to beat down a Big Daddy with wrench.
Overall it is well worth your money, especially if you don’t plan to finish it.
Anagram
Saw this on Google the other day while searching for “Anagram.”
Google: Did you mean ‘nag a ram’?
Instructions
I’ve discovered something about instructions. There are a lot of neat and clever systems that really work very well. Many of these systems come with instructions in an attempt to show off the cleverness of the design. We even have instructions on the side of coffee ground bags on how to close the container.
However, there are two kinds of people in the world.
1. People who have a good grasp of physics, mechanics, and an understanding of the world around them. These people will quickly grasp how to use the thing or work the unit without needing to read the instructions.
2. People who have little to no grasp of reality and would never think to read the instructions, despite the benefit they might achieve by hearing how something is suppose to work, which is most likely not how they are using it.
Super Bowl – Play by Play
I started off Super Bowl 46 with an attempt at a play by play commentary, but I quickly fell behind and gave up on the idea. Here’s as far as I got:
The assembly of athletes who collectively and correctly anticipated the correct orientation and impact of the small disk of metal that was recently launched into the air by an independent party have now forcefully projected the hollow elongated sphere of leather through the atmosphere in the direction of the other group of athletes who are also participating in the upcoming struggle to score the most points by voluntarily overcoming a series of unnecessary obstacles instigated by the fore mentioned group of players.
eBay is My Playground: Episode 3
Two weeks after finally selling my item to a US buyer, and barely 12 hours after posting my previous ebay emails, I discovered that the story of this device was not yet finished. I start off here with the initial email after selling the item.
To: Zack
From: mrbobdobolina
Date: October 4
Subject: RE:Payment
Dear Zack,
Hi,
Thank you for your quick payment. I will ship the item out tomorrow. I noticed that your Paypal Address is different from your eBay shipping address.
I assume I should ship to your eBay address:
John Johnson
111 Johnson Street
Jacksonvile JO, 11111
but thought I would double check with you, just to make sure I am sending it to the right place. Our mail goes out at noon (CST), so if I don’t hear from you by then I’ll use the eBay address.
Thanks again.
- mrbobdobolina
To: mrbobdobolina
From: Zack
Date: October 17
Subject: RE:RE:Payment
Dear mrbobdobolina,
PayPal address is correct. I’ve been in the hospital and out of touch for several days. Package will probably (eventually) come back to you. Let me know if/when that happens. Thanks.
- Zack
To: Zack
From: mrbobdobolina
Date: October 17
Subject: RE:RE:RE:Payment
Dear Zack,
Sorry to hear you have been in the hospital. I hope you are well, or at least doing better. About four months ago I was in the hospital due to a car accident, but they only let me stay for a few hours before tossing me back out onto the street where I had to spend a few nights sheltering under a bridge before the anesthesia wore off and I remembered who I was. Fortunately it was in the summer and the evenings were warm. I don’t think I could survive a night outside in the Minnesota winter.
According to UPS (Tracking number: 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3 ), the unit was delivered on October 11th. The website status lists it as being left by the front door.
I apologize if I have indeed sent this package to the wrong address. A quick Google search tells me that the the package was delivered a mere 1248 miles from it’s desired destination. That would be quite the road trip just to pick up a package. If I lived in California, I would offer to join you on an adventure to pick up the box. My new car gets good gas mileage and we would probably only have to stop for gas 5 or 6 times, although it would take us two days to get there and back. I have friend who live in Portland and we could probably spend the night at their house.
You really have me at a loss here. I’ve never shipped a package to the wrong address before, I do hope you have some means of accessing the package. If somehow the package does make it’s way back to me, I will let you know right away.
In the meantime, I might suggest that you update your ebay shipping address to avoid further confusion, although you probably know that already, and quite possibly are using it in a devious plot that will help you take over the world. I hope the Avid Mojo can help you in your schemes. I also have plans to someday take over the world, but I’m not allowed to share them with anyone because they are still a secret. If you take over the world before me, I wouldn’t mind owning a small city. I have a few options in mind.
- mrbobdobolina
To: mrbobdobolina
From: Zack
Date: November 14
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Payment
Dear mrbobdobolina,
I finally got up there this last weekend and found the package. Thanks for your kind concern. I’ll fix the address conflict before another eBay buy.
Good luck to you. Avoid hospitals and underbridges.
- Zack
Well, all’s well that ends well, as they say. And it’s nice to finally get these events nicely tucked away. Happy e-baying everyone!
Star Trek Today
If Star Trek took place today. A short and rough example. (I would be thrilled if anyone made a short film based off this concept.)
To set the scene the star ship is closing in on the first alien vessel ever encountered. This could be first contact.
Comm Officer: Captain! We are being hailed!
Captain: Put it up on screen.
*Video goes up on screen*
Comm Officer: Coming up on screen…
Captain: Greetings!
A slight pause while the Captain waits for a response. The aliens appear to be talking but no sound is coming through.
Captain: Officer, why can’t I hear them?
Comm Officer: I don’t know Captain.
Captain: Can they hear us?
Comm Officer: I think so Captain, but the computer is only recognizing our microphone inputs… it doesn’t appear to see our cameras.
Captain: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Comm Officer: I’m looking at the preferences, our camera doesn’t show up in the list. I’ll restart the program, but that’ll terminate our call.
Captain: Make it so.
Comm Officer: Okay, program is restarting…
Captain: Tell me when we’re up.
Comm Officer: The program appears unresponsive.
Captain: Officer, we need this system up and running RIGHT NOW.
Comm Officer: Understood sir. I think I’ll have to reboot the computer.
Captain: Make it fast.
Science Officer: Their ship has some very odd power readings sir, but then again, everything about them is… alien…
Captain: Keep me appraised.
Comm Officer: Okay, computer has rebooted, starting up the comm app…
Captain: Patch me through.
Video appears on the screen, with audio. The alien is explaining that they can neither hear nor see them on the screen.
Captain: We are having some computer problems. We apologize.
Comm Officer: Okay, it says we are sending audio and video now. We should be good.
Captain: We should be up and running now. Greetings!
Aliens: We can see your video, but we are unable to understand your audio.
Captain: Comm Officer?
Comm Officer: We’re sending out a high quality signal, sir. Everything on our end is working.
Aliens: The audio we are receiving, we cannot unenvied it. We have developed sophisticated audio, we call it MP3 format. Perhaps your audio is not compatible?
Comm Officer: MP3? Oh, sir… all our ship’s audio is encoded in OGG format! We can read everything coming in, but we only send out OGG.
Captain: BUT NOBODY USES OGG!
Comm Officer: I’m sorry Captain, if I could connect to the internet, I could possibly download an update or plugin?
Captain: Make it so!
Comm Officer: But we are not in wireless range at the moment.
Aliens (Who have been talking this whole time): You appear to be in deep conversation, but are unwilling to talk to us. Your lips are moving, but we hear no sound. You are a strange species… perhaps you are mocking us? We’d like to think you were intelligent and capable of trade…
Captain: Ensign, how close is the nearest access point?
Ensign: Just a few lightyears back sir.
Captain: Aliens! We regret that we cannot send you audio, allow us to retreat and upgrade our ship. We shall return with the information you require.
Aliens: Why do you not talk with us? Why are you leaving?
Captain: Turn us around, Ensign.
Aliens: A rude and obnoxious race! We will not tolerate TROLLING in our UNIVERSE!!
Captain: We’re not trolling, we are having computer… oh, never mind. Comm Officer, turn it off.
Aliens: We shall take this as an act of. *shut off*
Captain: We’ll I’d say we’re off to a good start. Science Officer, show me how to make my Solitaire game show up on the big screen again.
More Accurate Dialogue
I’m thoroughly enjoying Skyward Sword right now, though my personal dialogue and the game’s dialogue tends to be rather different. Almost need to do a riff track for the game.
Kukiel’s Mother: My daughter is missing! Can you help me find her?
Link: Good news and bad news. Good news is, I found your daughter, hiding out with the town monster. Bad news is that I may have stabbed her in the face with my sword… Only once though… And it wasn’t entirely on purpose… You know what? Actually, I’m going to tell you that the monster did it. Because now that I think about it, it’s probably better for me to tell you that someone else is responsible and I really don’t want to take blame on this one.
Welcome to the future!
It’s 2012. By now we are suppose to be living a a utopian society filled with flying cars… Yet the state of affairs appears to be severely lacking:
- Cruise control is not standard issue in all new vehicles. (Neither is air conditioning.)
- Windows 7 still requires you to paste your screenshot into an image editor to save it. (Yes, I know… Android is even worse.)
- Cell phone companies still offer plans without text messaging.
- POP3 not only still exists, but is frequently used.
- People are still using roman numerals.
- 3D is apparently still a good idea.
- People still make lists of pet peeves and annoyances.
- Netflix still hasn’t invented a “random movie” option, or for that matter, any easy way to sort by category or MPAA rating.
This is my short list of “daily annoyances” and I’m sure I’m leaving things out. What annoys you now that we live in the future?
What else would you add to this list?