It’s always fun when people respond to what they think you are going to say, rather than what you actually do say. These are a few of my favorites:

Round 1:
Me: Stop again soon!

Customer: No thanks, I’m fine.

Round 2:
Me: …and you’re all set.

Customer: No thank you.

Round 3:
Me: Need a bag today?

Customer: No thank you! I got an electric car! *chuckles*

Round 4:
Me: Is that all for you today?

Customer: No thanks.

Round 5:
Me: Need a bag today?

Customer: No thanks.

Me: Okay, you are all set then!

Customer: Can I get a bag?

(In no particular order.)

10. Hello!
9. It wasn’t me!
8. Not my fault!
7. I told her not to!
6. I’m Sorry!
5. I can fix it!
4. It won’t happen again.
3. I said I was sorry!
2. It’s not how it looks!
1. I can explain everything!

Here are a few ideas for different clock designs I have had in the past:

This is a clock, disguised as a thermometer.
(Picture courtesy Morton Fox via flickr)

This is a clock, disguised as a compass.
(Picture courtesy Leo Reynolds via flickr)

This clock only has a second hand.
(Picture courtesy mag3737 via flickr)

How would you disguise a clock?

Q: My Mighty Mouse stopped scrolling down. Is there any easy way to fix this?

A: This is the most common defect that Apple’s Mighty Mouse has. While it is impossible to fix, many users just spin their mouse around, and live with the fact that they can’t scroll up.*

Q: My keyboard is all grimy and looks disgusting. What is the best way to clean it off?

A: Usually a dirty keyboard is not worth the cost of sending it to the Keyboard Cleaners. If you’re looking to get a few more months or years out of an old keyboard, I would suggest giving it a fresh coat of paint. Avoid spray paint, as it may not fully cover all the surfaces. Use a three inch brush; I recommend firetruck red.**

Q: You just ruined my computer…

A: Did you know that dry erase markers work wonderfully on glass? They do, and it comes off perfectly.*** This means you can take a dry erase marker and draw on your friend’s computer screen! Then when they get mad at you, you can just wipe it off!**** If you’re not sure if they have a glass screen or not, just make a small mark somewhere near the middle of the screen, then try to wipe it off.***** If it comes off, then the screen is glass and you can continue to draw. If it doesn’t come off, then the screen probably isn’t glass, and maybe you should look around for some new friends.*******

*It doesn’t actually work that way… sorry.
**I’m not responsible for keyboards ruined with paint… …but I might have to do a photo shoot sometime…
***This actually is true.
****This is potentially true, but I wouldn’t necessarily try it.
*****This is possibly the worst advice I have ever written on my blog.
******Provided you are still alive enough to make more friends.

The only thing better than a sugar cookie is two sugar cookies. The only thing worse than a sugar cookie is a cookie without sugar. By this logic, everything is equal to a sugar cookie.

Think about it.

It has come to my attention that the phrase “blind as a bat” is not at all politically correct. Bats are not actually blind, they just don’t see the way we see. That is to say, they see things differently than we do. In todays society of tolerated opinions, saying someone is blind because they don’t see things the way you do is not only frowned upon, but grossly inappropriate.

Think about it.

I was going to pare it down to 10, but I only had 15 submissions and they are all pretty good. So, in no particular order:

1. Top Ten Rapist Jokes.
2. Top Ten Ways to Just Barely Not Get Arrested.
3. Top Ten Ways to Illegally Emigrate.
4. Top Ten Ways to Annoy Star Trek Fanatics.
5. Top Ten Unsolved Crimes Committed By Me….
6. Top Ten Endearments Used Between Hilary and Bill Clinton.
7. Top Ten Things Shakira’s Hips Don’t Do Besides Lie.
8. Top Ten Things Microsoft Word doesn’t do.
9. Top ten list of good things Microsoft has done. (Besides Windows 7 and Halo)
10. Top Ten Things that would not be fun to vomit out.
11. Top Ten People by Whom You Would Rather Not be Spit Upon
12. Top Ten Ways to Annoy Your Prison Roommate
13. Top Ten Fruits to Hurl at Your Crush’s Significant Other
14. Top Ten Things to Say While Visiting a Psychiatric Hospital
15. Top Ten Things Found Under a Rock…

As I was driving the other day I saw two men up on the roof of a local business. One of them had a ladder and the other had a shovel. Like you, I assumed that they were constructing an altar, where they could sacrifice goats or young maidens in order to appease the dragons. I felt sorry for all those innocent goats who were going to be slaughtered. Then again, those sacrifices will protect many good people who are willing to pay good money for good protection from a bad dragon.

ADDENDUM: I did not see any dragons today.

Many people have talked about the possibility of time travel and the implications it might have. No one, though, has come close to imagining the true potential of time travel. That is, until now.

The real potential of time travel is huge: food will never spoil. Now, I know what you are thinking. You think if you find some old turkey in your fridge then you can simply go back in time a few days and make a turkey sandwich. That is just stupid. For, you see, if I go back in time a few days, chances are I won’t be in the mood for a turkey sandwich at all. Rather than go back in time, it would be better if I bought some turkey from the future to keep in case I ever needed a turkey sandwich.

How would this work you ask?

Take milk for example, a fresh gallon of milk usually has an expiration date of about two weeks. Now, if you sent that milk two weeks into the past, it’s expiration date would be four weeks into the future. The milk would essentially be good for a month.

If we began producing food or milk 200 years in the future and ship it back to the current present, then we will have milk that will last for 200 years and two weeks.

What’s more, in the future, we may discover better or more efficient ways to produce things like milk. Perhaps the milking process can be made even more humane, provided I am allowed to use that word to describe a cow. Indeed I am hesitant to use such language when commenting on the animal kingdom. You see, cows are not human. They don’t know what it is like to be human and therefore, have no reason to be treated humanely.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t approve the mistreatment or neglect of animals, but I do feel that humanity should not take it’s humaneness lightly. We have worked hard at being humane and I would hate to have all this effort stolen by a bunch of bovine who do nothing but stand and eat all day.

On those same lines, if I was a cow, which I am most certainly not, I would not expect a free handout from humans wishing to treat me more like them. I don’t want a two story house or a bed or a boat. I don’t want a steak dinner and I don’t need the government to step in with a new healthcare plan. All I need is a patch of grass and a few hundred gallons of water, or perhaps a few wine coolers on a hot day.