A Perfectly Legitimate Email

February 4th, 2019

This article was first published on Medium in February 2019. A Perfectly Legitimate Email

Every now and then I like to go through my Spam messages, just to double check that nothing is falling thru the cracks. Occasionally I’ll find a gemstone… or a small worthless rock that really belongs in one of those strange rock-filled curbs they have in large parking lots. This one tickled my fancy. Let’s break it down. 💃🏻 👯 ✌️☄️ 🐿️ 🍾

from: Kazeem Wattara drhajizongoq@gmail.com
reply-to: kazzemwt@outlook.com

Dr. Haijizongo Q? Coincidentally enough, that’s the name of my Asian Folk Band. I’m guessing Kazeem is the secretary or something? The one who manages schedules and correspondence? That would explain the two email addresses.

I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise as we have never met before,

I’m not surprised as I usually haven’t met the people who are trying to scam me through the internet. But go on.

but need not to worry as I am contacting you independently of my investigation and no one is informed of this communication.

What exactly are you investigating, Kazeem? (I’m guessing it’s not Bank Fraud.)

I’m assuming not telling anyone is for your benefit as much as mine Kazeem, ‘cuz WHEW if your coworkers knew how poor your grasp of the English languages was… well, let’s just say filling out unemployment forms does require a bit of grammatical understanding.

I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of $11.3million immediately to your private account.

I see. You need my urgent assistance, yet… wait, do you even know my name Kazeem? How did you find me? And where did you get my email?

And are we talking USD? Or maybe HKD? And… private account? Kazeem, I know you’re not telling anyone about this email, but… like, I think my bank is going to notice that kind of cash flow and I can tell you right now I’m not looking forward to paying taxes on 11.3 million whatever the currency is.

The money has been here in our Bank lying dormant for years now without anybody coming for the claim of it.

Oh of course, it’s been lying dormant in your Bank. Which bank Kazeem? Does your bank have a name? And how do you know about this money Kazeem? Are you doing something… shady?

I want to release the money to you as the relative to our deceased customer (the account owner) who died a long with his supposed NEXT OF KIN since 16th October 2005.

Does your deceased customer also have a name? Or his NEXT OF KIN? I notice the date of death is oddly specific.

Also, I’m a bit confused. Did the account owner die “along” with his NEXT OF KIN or did he just die a long? If the latter, what does that mean, exactly?

The Banking laws here does not allow such money to stay more than 14 years, because the money will be recalled to the Bank treasury account as unclaimed fund.

Ah yes. The Banking laws in Generic-ville are as strict as they are arbitrary. Do you work for the Bank Kazeem? Because it seems to me a Bank employee would be happy for his Bank to receive an extra 11.3 million in generic currency. Think of the Christmas bonuses!

By indicating your interest I will send you the full details on how the business will be executed.

WHOA! Full stop. We are not executing any businesses. Like, bank fraud is one thing, but you have crossed the line with this talk about execution Kazeem, you have crossed the line.

Please respond urgently and delete if you are not interested.

But… What should I do if I AM interested?

Best Regards,
Mr. Kazeem Wattara