Dear Telemarketing Company,
I would like to thank you for blowing out my eardrum with a fog horn. That’s always the first thing I expect to hear when I put my phone up to my ear and I am glad that you did not disappoint.*
I was actually waiting for you to call me, as I was hoping to get a free cruise to get away from work and the stressful things in life, like making lunch, making my bed, and the usual general hygiene that one must take care of when they are not stranded at sea. I’ve often wanted to be a pirate for many of these same reasons.
Unfortunately, I now I have spend all my hard earned money on ear-restoration services and pay the hospital bill for the heart attack your loud and obnoxious prank has caused.
I also have to buy a new phone because the speed at which I repelled the device from my ear was enough to send it through my apartment window and land on the street where it was run over by a semi and then rained on.
One day I would like to contact you and request compensation for the damages you have caused me, but first I probably have a few years of therapy to help overcome my recently acquired fear of telephones.
So while I do thank you for considering me for this special offer, I would like you to never call me again.
It’s not me, it’s you.
*(Aside: I think I’m going to begin all my phone calls this way.)