I received this spam message today. It somehow made it through the Yahoo Spam filter. (Yahoo’s not quite up to Gmail standards yet.) Here is my line by line commentary of the letter. (I noted a few of the gramatical errors, but didn’t feel like marking up the entire document, so most are left untouched.)
From: FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (email@example.com)
Yup, definitely from the FBI.
Subject: Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)!!!
Little known fact, the FBI is a heavy backer of exclamation marks.
Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
J.Edgar.Hoover Building Washington Dc
Customers Service Hours / Monday To Saturday
Office Hours Monday to Saturday:
I’m glad the FBI has such open office hours. It makes me happy to know they are working so hard, except on Sundays. I assume the baddies take Sundays off too.
Because the FBI has no idea what my actual name is.
Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago.
Yes, I remember hearing about that in the news.
It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $850,000.00…
Oh it is glaringly obvious.
…due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.
Can anyone say ‘run-on sentence’? Also, I’m glad the Government Officials only had one selfish reason.
The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current president of Nigeria his Excellency President Good luck[sic] Jonathan
Why can’t our leaders have names like Goodluck Johnathan? I would totally vote for him.
to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owed to you and other individuals and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract Sum, Lottery/Gambling, Inheritance and the likes.
Now suddenly we are talking about Contract payments, Gambling, and Inheritance? What happened to the corrupt politicians who were forced into compliance three days ago?
Now how would you like to receive your payment? Because we have two method of payment which is by Check or by ATM card?
ATM Card: We will be issuing you a custom pin based ATM card which you will use to withdraw up to $3,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it and the card have to be renewed in 4 years time which is 2014.
Current date: Dec. 3, 2011. Clearly this letter is a year old, I hope the offer still stands. Why couldn’t they have told me about this sooner!?!??!
Also with the ATM card you will be able to transfer your funds to your local bank account. The ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Even if you do not have a bank account.
Oh good. Because I don’t have a bank account and I have never learned how to use an ATM.
Check: To be deposited in your bank for it to be cleared within three working days. Your payment would be sent to you via any of your preferred option[sic] and would be mailed to you via UPS.
Because we have signed a contract with UPS which should expire in next three weeks you will only need to pay $135 instead of $420 saving you $285
Wait, three weeks from now or three weeks from then?
So if you pay before the three weeks 2011 you save $285
2011 is only three weeks?!?!?! I’m confused. Also, can anyone say “punctuation”?
Take note that anyone asking you for some kind of money above the usual fee is definitely a fraudsters
Those dirty fraudsters. Asking for money above the usual fee…
and you will have to stop communication with every other person if you have been in contact with any.
I’ve been in contact with my mother, does that count?
Also remember that all you will ever have to spend is $135.00 nothing more! Nothing less! And we guarantee the receipt of your fund to be successfully delivered to you within the next 24hrs after the receipt of payment has been confirmed.
Note: Everything has been taken care of by the Federal Government of Nigeria, The United Nation[sic] and also the FBI and including taxes, custom paper and clearance duty so all you will ever need to pay is $135.
There is only one United Nation!
DO NOT SEND MONEY TO ANYONE UNTIL YOU READ THIS:
The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is $420
WHAT!?!? Are you a fraudster?
but because UPS have temporarily discontinued the C.O.D which gives you the chance to pay when package is delivered for international shipping We had to sign contract with them for bulk shipping which makes the fees reduce from the actual fee of $420 to $135 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort!
Oh, whew! You had me scared for a second.
To effect the release of your fund valued at $850,000.00 you are advised to contact our correspondent in Africa the delivery officer Scott Mandy Will with the information below,
Punctuation. Capitalization. The word “help”.
You are advised to contact him with the informations as stated below:
1) Your full Name:
2) Home/Cell Phone:
Preferred Payment Method (ATM / Cashier Check)
So in order for me to get my money, I first need to give a bunch of extraneous information to someone in Africa. Okay, that makes sense. I like how I don’t have to give an address. Just a name and phone number.
Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 24 working hours.
Working hours. Africa time or my time? Because I’m pretty sure I’m working at all hours. Just like the FBI
Because we are so sure of everything we are giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 24hrs after you have made the payment for shipping.
Miss Donna Story
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535
Note: Do disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of your ATM CARD,
Like you? Oh, don’t worry. I will.
you are hereby advice[sic] only to be in contact with John Will
Wait, who is John Will?
of the ATM CARD CENTRE
Oh hey! We are British now!
who is the rightful person to deal with in regards to your ATM CARD PAYMENT and forward any emails you get from impostors to this office so we could act upon and commence investigation.
Which office? What address? Because I think I have an email from an impostor.
I honestly don’t know how any English speaking person could fall for this. Is the target audience foreigners?