Monthly Archives: January 2010
Top 15 ideas for bad top 10 lists
I was going to pare it down to 10, but I only had 15 submissions and they are all pretty good. So, in no particular order:
1. Top Ten Rapist Jokes.
2. Top Ten Ways to Just Barely Not Get Arrested.
3. Top Ten Ways to Illegally Emigrate.
4. Top Ten Ways to Annoy Star Trek Fanatics.
5. Top Ten Unsolved Crimes Committed By Me….
6. Top Ten Endearments Used Between Hilary and Bill Clinton.
7. Top Ten Things Shakira’s Hips Don’t Do Besides Lie.
8. Top Ten Things Microsoft Word doesn’t do.
9. Top ten list of good things Microsoft has done. (Besides Windows 7 and Halo)
10. Top Ten Things that would not be fun to vomit out.
11. Top Ten People by Whom You Would Rather Not be Spit Upon
12. Top Ten Ways to Annoy Your Prison Roommate
13. Top Ten Fruits to Hurl at Your Crush’s Significant Other
14. Top Ten Things to Say While Visiting a Psychiatric Hospital
15. Top Ten Things Found Under a Rock…
Dragons
As I was driving the other day I saw two men up on the roof of a local business. One of them had a ladder and the other had a shovel. Like you, I assumed that they were constructing an altar, where they could sacrifice goats or young maidens in order to appease the dragons. I felt sorry for all those innocent goats who were going to be slaughtered. Then again, those sacrifices will protect many good people who are willing to pay good money for good protection from a bad dragon.
ADDENDUM: I did not see any dragons today.
Time Travel
Many people have talked about the possibility of time travel and the implications it might have. No one, though, has come close to imagining the true potential of time travel. That is, until now.
The real potential of time travel is huge: food will never spoil. Now, I know what you are thinking. You think if you find some old turkey in your fridge then you can simply go back in time a few days and make a turkey sandwich. That is just stupid. For, you see, if I go back in time a few days, chances are I won’t be in the mood for a turkey sandwich at all. Rather than go back in time, it would be better if I bought some turkey from the future to keep in case I ever needed a turkey sandwich.
How would this work you ask?
Take milk for example, a fresh gallon of milk usually has an expiration date of about two weeks. Now, if you sent that milk two weeks into the past, it’s expiration date would be four weeks into the future. The milk would essentially be good for a month.
If we began producing food or milk 200 years in the future and ship it back to the current present, then we will have milk that will last for 200 years and two weeks.
What’s more, in the future, we may discover better or more efficient ways to produce things like milk. Perhaps the milking process can be made even more humane, provided I am allowed to use that word to describe a cow. Indeed I am hesitant to use such language when commenting on the animal kingdom. You see, cows are not human. They don’t know what it is like to be human and therefore, have no reason to be treated humanely.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t approve the mistreatment or neglect of animals, but I do feel that humanity should not take it’s humaneness lightly. We have worked hard at being humane and I would hate to have all this effort stolen by a bunch of bovine who do nothing but stand and eat all day.
On those same lines, if I was a cow, which I am most certainly not, I would not expect a free handout from humans wishing to treat me more like them. I don’t want a two story house or a bed or a boat. I don’t want a steak dinner and I don’t need the government to step in with a new healthcare plan. All I need is a patch of grass and a few hundred gallons of water, or perhaps a few wine coolers on a hot day.